navy blue mangos

2010-01-09T08:38:00.000-08:00

"we can live a lifetime of surprise...
we'll all become magicians, and leave
the wonder in their eyes..."
-emmet otter (jim henson)

Apologies, Once Again

2010-01-07T12:00:00.000-08:00

i knew it had been a long time since i had spoken. but, upon pulling up this page, i realized it had been shamefully long.
the timing of my last post: right before my august trip to scripps green hospital. that would have been the 6 days and 7 nights of terror, watching those medical men settle on the fact that i had peritonitis. this year, starting february 5th at cedars-sinai, those medical men have been both saviours and enemies. i have graced them with my presence for 6 hospital stays and 3 surgeries.
for 2010, I think i'll stay Home...
i can only promise you all what i can promise myself: i will try my hardest to stop Abandoning My Words...

for reference and thought

2009-08-13T21:30:00.000-07:00

so before the 'dear nobody', it was called 'a note on a desk'...

only now, i suppose, do i realize i was speaking to nobody. only when we can declare ourselves to everybody, do we realize how the 'nobody' once controlled us.

It's Dear Nobody

I'm writing my note.

I'm writing my final poem.

It's to those of you who didn't listen,

and for those of you who did.

It's a quiet obituary.

I'm reducing myself to 3 typed lines.

I'm becoming what most of you

always thought I was.

And I'm pretending for those of you

who knew what I never was.

It's a sonnet with no lover.

I'm whispering like Guinevere.

I'm fading like Rosaline.

It's an orgasmic notion

for those who didn't understand.

It's an apology

for those who did.

It's a finite page.

This is my ending.

With, decidedly, no Epilogue.

2009-08-03T10:40:00.000-07:00

"i never promised anybody...

that's not true.

i promised myself"

-kermit the frog, the muppet movie

And Then There Was One...

2009-08-02T09:30:00.000-07:00

but that's okay. if you can't survive as one, you will never survive as two...

"I once wrote a 'Dear Nobody'.

A letter whose only fate

was to be sealed with a kiss,

torn to pieces,

and thrown away

Well, here is my 'Dear Everybody'.

I will shout it from the rooftops,

paint it on walls,

mass mail it to the world.

You will not have to

pry this letter from a bottle or

tape it together.

So order it online,

buy it bound hard direct,

have it etched into your mirror.

All come with a complimentary Post Script.

(i have one for all of you, you just never knew it)

And if this is not your pleasure,

buy earplugs, stop your mail, draw your curtains, hide inside.

Then you can begin to compose your own 'Dear Nobody'."

the city of lights

2009-07-16T18:08:00.000-07:00

is apparently not where i live. or so the prophecy goes.

so where is this elusive place? and why am i, apparently, not a part of it? ... so here, children, is where i challenge the prophecy, as i have continually done with its counterparts in crime.

take me to paris, new york, tulsa, madrid or san diego: i will bring light with me every step of the way...

so let's step awkwardly over these rocks of my thoughts and fall into our minds...

just test me to not bring light into your life. try and tell me that any steel skyscraper looks taller than me in the moonlight.

i can't fall prey to where i live or the box which i have been shoved into. neither can you.

forget everything you think you know about this town. i can call upon the gods in my head and bring a tempest, throw this entire city into a flickering power outage. then crawl back and let's talk about where the real light is.

spring cleaning, a regrettable act

2009-07-12T15:41:00.001-07:00

why we call it Spring Cleaning, i do not know. it happens all the time. on random Rainy Days. through endless Sleepless Nights. upon entering a new Crisis Of Faith. it sounds like a positive thing, but sadly, i find more often than not... but, let's not waste time with semantics.

most recently in in my life, this phenomenon happened tuesday. beginning with a search for a particularly special greeting card, from a particularly exceptional person, composed in particularly beautiful handwriting, i began to tear the house apart. then the garbage bag appeared to take Useless Objects to their grave.

talk hard - a school project gone wrong

2009-07-08T20:07:00.000-07:00

first of all, tonight i am making a promise. to myself, and to you. i will not let this blog disappear the way it did 4 years ago. i will not allow it to become yet another one of my brilliant projects that becomes a dust collector. buried in my computer. lost in my mind.

that said, tonight is not a night for revelations. (thanks to a bee sting and, therefore, 2 benadryl, i am pretty much useless)

so i will present you with a few images.

i call it talk hard. a mediocre title, at best. but i can barely title my poems, let alone applying words to art. words that will never been seen, at that.

the short story: this was done as a final project for a women's studies class. (i believe it was 'images and ideas') i was blessed with an assignment that could be a 20 page paper, a short film, a comic book or... (yes children) a painting.

so, in the end, i presented this monstrosity. allegedly it is an artistic expression deconstructing sexist lyrics in music. judge for yourself, but i would call it a massive art project which resembles a first-grader's take on a dirty little subject.

in the end, it's nothing more than a stretched canvas, acrylic paint, sand, resin, construction paper, ribbon, compact disks, printed images, nail polish, playing cards, notebook paper, newspaper, beads, and a little piece of me.

a poor excuse for an overdue entry...

2009-06-17T20:01:00.000-07:00

so, i suppose, this is just my was of cheating out of writing something substantial.

after the issue with the poetry gnomes (think underwear gnomes from south park, but ones that steal over 100 poems from your hard drive) everyone was holding their breath to see if i could do it again. if i could pick up the pieces of my loss and try to actually get a fresh start.

a forced fresh start.

who wants to be 26 years old, less eloquent then they were in years past and faced with not only losing 10+ years of work in the blink of an eye, but the devastating prospect of trying to create a new 190+ page lifeline?

so, as some of you dear readers know, i managed to scrawl out a few sub-par poems in a couple of months, before the tiny purple saviour of a usb drive came and returned my past and saved me. in essence, i suppose saving me was just letting me off the hook. so here is one of the poems i wrote about 18 months ago in a state of fear and desperation, throwing darts like a blind girl, trying to find my voice again...

sugarcoated girl

i have been

Denied, Avoided, Abused.

i have wanted

Revenge.

i have expelled useless

Energy.

Time.

Pain.

Days.

Nights.

but that Energy is Mine.

not to be Sacrificed

save when

I Choose.

i am reclaiming

My Energy.

i am no longer

Denying, Avoiding, Abusing

myself.

i am no longer

Averting My Eyes.

i am no longer a

Sugarcoated Girl.

Look and Taste.

and

Welcome to Me.

a VERY important lesson

2009-06-01T09:50:00.000-07:00

as you might know, i had a full hysterectomy in february. i have continued to share my sob story of my degenerating health which lead to this (somewhat radical) procedure. and don't worry, i did not lie.

in fact, it is difficult to deal with the fact that every sob story i have preached about my health is true.

we all have sob stories. and i believe that, including myself, we all feel ours are the most tragic. we cry, "Poor Me! Woe is Me! Look At Me! Cry For Me.."

for my participation in this phenomenon, i am sorry. as my health improves, i try not to dwell on the past. However, we all must not lose sight of the fact that the past is there. it never disappears. it is our past that has made us the people we are today. so i keep my paintings. i keep my poetry. i keep my memories of the time when i was nothing more than a damaged girl. but i promise you, members of The Peanut Gallery, i will no longer scream it for the rooftops. i will not dwell, if you promise to do the same. i will treasure today, and not myself of yesterday, if you promise to do the same.

in closing, though, the sob story of my hysterectomy was not all bad. with no ovaries and no uterus, i no longer live in shock and fear of the devilish knowledge that Sex Makes Babies...

The Art of Romance

2009-05-29T17:24:00.000-07:00

" Kermie, whisper sweet nothings in my ear.

Motorcycle cop.

Motorcycle cop is a sweet nothing?

No. Motorcycle cop is chasing us."

-the muppet movie

why the answers don't really matter

2009-05-28T10:33:00.000-07:00

just a theory, but try and work with me here.

it is not the Answers you get, but the Questions you ask...

basically, we ask the questions which might have answers to lead us to the conclusions we are seeking.

intentional? my opinion is Usually Not.

but, Picture If You Will... (what is the meaning of life?) we ask this question in part because we want life to have a meaning.

(what is the gene for diabetes? bi-polar disorder? breast cancer?) we assume there is a gene, because perhaps we ant there to be one. we want an explanation.

as you can see, i am incapable of putting this theory into words with any eloquence. for that, i am sorry...

but when you ask a question, consider the importance of the question, not your yearning for an answer. an explanation. a justification.

perhaps, not all questions need answers. perhaps the forming of the questions, the experience, the process are all we really need.

but, again, just a theory. try it on for size and let me know how it goes.

i'll do the same for you.

just try it...

2009-05-23T16:37:00.000-07:00

"let's not do

the Wrong Thing

and i Swear it

might be Fun..."

-gin blossoms

It's Like Riding a Bicycle

2009-05-21T12:55:00.000-07:00

but it's not...

changing your life and starting over is not just picking up an old habit. it's not even forming a new one. it's embracing something that your mind and soul somehow know you were destined to do, when you have no idea how. it's learning to walk; because you can't crawl forever.

it's finding a new faith, because your old one was the worship of a crushed false idol. it's writing a new soundtrack for your life. it's picking up the pieces, going to a bridge, and scattering the ashes of what was. it's skipping over a puddle on your way home; and smiling; and knowing what will be is a beautiful thing.

i haven't ridden a bike in years. i'm almost ready to let go of the coffee table and walk across the room...

"i've never been there,

but i know the way..."

-gonzo, the muppet movie

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-10T15:50:00.000-07:00

this was written in probably 2005.

it still holds true...

If anyone

could have changed the colour of a fruit,

It would have been her…

She, after all, was the only

Great Mistress

I had ever known.

a Craft I will always

be virgin to,

she could have saved me with

in a world that will

swallow me whole.

She could keep the dragons at bay.

(and would have,

even if it was me

who had revived them.)

"Living Well is the Best Revenge"

2009-05-07T09:36:00.000-07:00

living in your head doesn't shelter you from the world. it gives you enlightenment and understanding and imagination that most people will never find. it gives you the chance to conquer demons (and old coffee pots and the force that removes one sock from the dryer every time you do laundry) that others will live with their entire lives. living in your head isn't a copout. i's taking an extra step.

"the fact is there's nothing out there
you can't do.
yeah, even santa claus
believes in you"
-the electric mayhem, jim henson, can you picture that

With Thanks to Richard Bach

2009-05-05T08:16:00.000-07:00

"Here's a test to find out whether your mission on earth is finished:
If you're alive, it isn't"

The Question on All Your Minds

2009-05-04T09:45:00.000-07:00

so you wonder (but are perhaps afraid to ask) WHAT are Navy Blue Mangos?
the wrong answers: they are my twisted version of Fried Green Tomatoes. they are not some comment on food coloring and preservatives.
the right one: they are an idea. a concept. an inspiration. something for your spirit to strive for.
Navy Blue Mangos defy logic. and science. and reality. mangos are not blue. we know that. BUT, we do have the power to defy these things. we have the power to strive for the impossible. we have the strength of spirit within us to make our imaginations realities. we all, in essence, have the power to change the color of a fruit.

"life's like a movie,
write your own ending.
keep believing,
keep pretending..."
-kermit the frog, jim henson, the rainbow connection

No Day But Today

2009-05-02T11:05:00.000-07:00

Yes Children,
i have officially deleted ALL my previous posts. there is no way to express the fresh start i have in my life with all of those demons still in visible documented form for the world to read. however, for any of you who know me at all, you are probably aware that the documented demons are still saved, double saved, backed up, and printed. so, feel free to ask, and you shall receive.
this is merely a notification post. a declaration of my new-found emotional freedom, so you know, Dear Reader. There will be, obviously, much more to come...