navy blue mangos
Thursday, August 13, 2009
for reference and thought
¶ 9:30 PM 0 Comments
so before the 'dear nobody', it was called 'a note on a desk'...
only now, i suppose, do i realize i was speaking to nobody. only when we can declare ourselves to everybody, do we realize how the 'nobody' once controlled us.
It's Dear Nobody
I'm writing my note.
I'm writing my final poem.
It's to those of you who didn't listen,
and for those of you who did.
It's a quiet obituary.
I'm reducing myself to 3 typed lines.
I'm becoming what most of you
always thought I was.
And I'm pretending for those of you
who knew what I never was.
It's a sonnet with no lover.
I'm whispering like Guinevere.
I'm fading like Rosaline.
It's an orgasmic notion
for those who didn't understand.
It's an apology
for those who did.
It's a finite page.
This is my ending.
With, decidedly, no Epilogue.
Monday, August 03, 2009
that's not true.
i promised myself"
-kermit the frog, the muppet movie
¶ 10:40 AM 0 Comments
Sunday, August 02, 2009
And Then There Was One...
but that's okay. if you can't survive as one, you will never survive as two...
"I once wrote a 'Dear Nobody'.
A letter whose only fate
was to be sealed with a kiss,
torn to pieces,
and thrown away
Well, here is my 'Dear Everybody'.
I will shout it from the rooftops,
paint it on walls,
mass mail it to the world.
You will not have to
pry this letter from a bottle or
tape it together.
So order it online,
buy it bound hard direct,
have it etched into your mirror.
All come with a complimentary Post Script.
(i have one for all of you, you just never knew it)
And if this is not your pleasure,
buy earplugs, stop your mail, draw your curtains, hide inside.
Then you can begin to compose your own 'Dear Nobody'."
¶ 9:30 AM 2 Comments
Thursday, July 16, 2009
the city of lights
¶ 6:08 PM 5 Comments
is apparently not where i live. or so the prophecy goes.
so where is this elusive place? and why am i, apparently, not a part of it? ... so here, children, is where i challenge the prophecy, as i have continually done with its counterparts in crime.
take me to paris, new york, tulsa, madrid or san diego: i will bring light with me every step of the way...
so let's step awkwardly over these rocks of my thoughts and fall into our minds...
just test me to not bring light into your life. try and tell me that any steel skyscraper looks taller than me in the moonlight.
i can't fall prey to where i live or the box which i have been shoved into. neither can you.
forget everything you think you know about this town. i can call upon the gods in my head and bring a tempest, throw this entire city into a flickering power outage. then crawl back and let's talk about where the real light is.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
spring cleaning, a regrettable act
why we call it Spring Cleaning, i do not know. it happens all the time. on random Rainy Days. through endless Sleepless Nights. upon entering a new Crisis Of Faith. it sounds like a positive thing, but sadly, i find more often than not... but, let's not waste time with semantics.
most recently in in my life, this phenomenon happened tuesday. beginning with a search for a particularly special greeting card, from a particularly exceptional person, composed in particularly beautiful handwriting, i began to tear the house apart. then the garbage bag appeared to take Useless Objects to their grave.
see also: Two Journals
see also: Three T-shirts
see also: Paintings, Concert Tickets, Mail, CDs, Embroidery, Sunglasses...
while these items might sound odd, or just ordinary cleaning, every single one of them was a reminder of its own Demon from the Past.
more than 3 hours later, two garbage bags disappeared down the trash chute. the moment i heard them crash at the bottom my heart, as it is want to do, ached.
while it still Plagues My Mind, i do have faith in my actions. my life has taught me, as i'm sure yours has taught you, you can clean house as much as you want, but we all still hoard our memories.
I never found the greeting card...
Labels: journals, spring cleaning, the past
¶ 3:41 PM 5 Comments
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
talk hard - a school project gone wrong
first of all, tonight i am making a promise. to myself, and to you. i will not let this blog disappear the way it did 4 years ago. i will not allow it to become yet another one of my brilliant projects that becomes a dust collector. buried in my computer. lost in my mind.
that said, tonight is not a night for revelations. (thanks to a bee sting and, therefore, 2 benadryl, i am pretty much useless)
so i will present you with a few images.
i call it talk hard. a mediocre title, at best. but i can barely title my poems, let alone applying words to art. words that will never been seen, at that.
the short story: this was done as a final project for a women's studies class. (i believe it was 'images and ideas') i was blessed with an assignment that could be a 20 page paper, a short film, a comic book or... (yes children) a painting.
so, in the end, i presented this monstrosity. allegedly it is an artistic expression deconstructing sexist lyrics in music. judge for yourself, but i would call it a massive art project which resembles a first-grader's take on a dirty little subject.
in the end, it's nothing more than a stretched canvas, acrylic paint, sand, resin, construction paper, ribbon, compact disks, printed images, nail polish, playing cards, notebook paper, newspaper, beads, and a little piece of me.
Labels: art, feminism, hole, lyrics, music
¶ 8:07 PM 3 Comments
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
a poor excuse for an overdue entry...
so, i suppose, this is just my was of cheating out of writing something substantial.
after the issue with the poetry gnomes (think underwear gnomes from south park, but ones that steal over 100 poems from your hard drive) everyone was holding their breath to see if i could do it again. if i could pick up the pieces of my loss and try to actually get a fresh start.
a forced fresh start.
who wants to be 26 years old, less eloquent then they were in years past and faced with not only losing 10+ years of work in the blink of an eye, but the devastating prospect of trying to create a new 190+ page lifeline?
so, as some of you dear readers know, i managed to scrawl out a few sub-par poems in a couple of months, before the tiny purple saviour of a usb drive came and returned my past and saved me. in essence, i suppose saving me was just letting me off the hook. so here is one of the poems i wrote about 18 months ago in a state of fear and desperation, throwing darts like a blind girl, trying to find my voice again...
sugarcoated girl
i have been
Denied, Avoided, Abused.
i have wanted
Revenge.
i have expelled useless
Energy.
Time.
Pain.
Days.
Nights.
but that Energy is Mine.
not to be Sacrificed
save when
I Choose.
i am reclaiming
My Energy.
i am no longer
Denying, Avoiding, Abusing
myself.
i am no longer
Averting My Eyes.
i am no longer a
Sugarcoated Girl.
so
Look and Taste.
and
Welcome to Me.
Labels: eloquent, faith, fresh start, poetry
¶ 8:01 PM 1 Comments
Monday, June 01, 2009
a VERY important lesson
as you might know, i had a full hysterectomy in february. i have continued to share my sob story of my degenerating health which lead to this (somewhat radical) procedure. and don't worry, i did not lie.
in fact, it is difficult to deal with the fact that every sob story i have preached about my health is true.
we all have sob stories. and i believe that, including myself, we all feel ours are the most tragic. we cry, "Poor Me! Woe is Me! Look At Me! Cry For Me.."
for my participation in this phenomenon, i am sorry. as my health improves, i try not to dwell on the past. However, we all must not lose sight of the fact that the past is there. it never disappears. it is our past that has made us the people we are today. so i keep my paintings. i keep my poetry. i keep my memories of the time when i was nothing more than a damaged girl. but i promise you, members of The Peanut Gallery, i will no longer scream it for the rooftops. i will not dwell, if you promise to do the same. i will treasure today, and not myself of yesterday, if you promise to do the same.
in closing, though, the sob story of my hysterectomy was not all bad. with no ovaries and no uterus, i no longer live in shock and fear of the devilish knowledge that Sex Makes Babies...
Labels: hysterectomy, peanut gallery, sob stories, the past, tragedy
¶ 9:50 AM 3 Comments
Friday, May 29, 2009
The Art of Romance
" Kermie, whisper sweet nothings in my ear.
Motorcycle cop.
Motorcycle cop is a sweet nothing?
No. Motorcycle cop is chasing us."
-the muppet movie
Labels: the muppet movie, the muppets
¶ 5:24 PM 1 Comments
Thursday, May 28, 2009
why the answers don't really matter
just a theory, but try and work with me here.
it is not the Answers you get, but the Questions you ask...
basically, we ask the questions which might have answers to lead us to the conclusions we are seeking.
intentional? my opinion is Usually Not.
but, Picture If You Will... (what is the meaning of life?) we ask this question in part because we want life to have a meaning.
(what is the gene for diabetes? bi-polar disorder? breast cancer?) we assume there is a gene, because perhaps we ant there to be one. we want an explanation.
as you can see, i am incapable of putting this theory into words with any eloquence. for that, i am sorry...
but when you ask a question, consider the importance of the question, not your yearning for an answer. an explanation. a justification.
perhaps, not all questions need answers. perhaps the forming of the questions, the experience, the process are all we really need.
but, again, just a theory. try it on for size and let me know how it goes.
i'll do the same for you.
Labels: enlightenment, philosophy, the twilight zone
¶ 10:33 AM 0 Comments
Saturday, May 23, 2009
just try it...
"let's not do
the Wrong Thing
and i Swear it
might be Fun..."
-gin blossoms
Labels: gin blossoms
¶ 4:37 PM 0 Comments
Thursday, May 21, 2009
It's Like Riding a Bicycle
but it's not...
changing your life and starting over is not just picking up an old habit. it's not even forming a new one. it's embracing something that your mind and soul somehow know you were destined to do, when you have no idea how. it's learning to walk; because you can't crawl forever.
it's finding a new faith, because your old one was the worship of a crushed false idol. it's writing a new soundtrack for your life. it's picking up the pieces, going to a bridge, and scattering the ashes of what was. it's skipping over a puddle on your way home; and smiling; and knowing what will be is a beautiful thing.
i haven't ridden a bike in years. i'm almost ready to let go of the coffee table and walk across the room...
"i've never been there,
but i know the way..."
-gonzo, the muppet movie
¶ 12:55 PM 2 Comments
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Happy Mother's Day
¶ 3:50 PM 1 Comments
this was written in probably 2005.
it still holds true...
If anyone
could have changed the colour of a fruit,
It would have been her…
She, after all, was the only
Great Mistress
I had ever known.
a Craft I will always
be virgin to,
she could have saved me with
in a world that will
swallow me whole.
She could keep the dragons at bay.
(and would have,
even if it was me
who had revived them.)
